What You Don’t Expect When You’re Expecting

{TRIGGER WARNING: If you are sensitive to the topic of miscarriages, pregnancy loss, and/or ectopic pregnancies, this post may be difficult to read.}

Where were we? Ahh yes, our fourth IUI treatment was a success, as I mentioned in my last post! Unfortunately, the success of this pregnancy also came with some complications.

Leading up to our seven-week appointment, I followed our little peanut’s growth using a handy dandy app. I would update Jason weekly on the size of our baby. 

“Our baby is as big as a *insert whatever fruit or vegetable the app used as reference* today!”

But I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a day that passed that I wasn’t anxious about being pregnant. More importantly, about staying pregnant.

Our appointment was scheduled for Monday, August 1st. When I started feeling some cramps the weekend prior, I tried to brush it off and hoped they would go away. 

They didn’t. Instead, they grew stronger.

I called the specialist’s after-hours line, as I had done several weeks before when I was spotting.

I told the on-call nurse what was going on. She told me if the cramps got worse or I experienced bleeding, I should seek urgent care. Otherwise, she told me to rest, elevate my feet, and drink a lot of water.

My cramps continued on and off the rest of the weekend, but I didn’t bleed and they didn’t get any worse. 

Well…that was until Monday morning came.

August 1st

As soon as I got out of bed to get ready for work, I could tell things were getting worse. The cramps got so bad I could hardly stand up straight.

I called the doctor’s office to see if they could get me in sooner.

Unfortunately, they didn’t have any openings before my scheduled appointment at 2pm. I probably should have made a bigger deal about it, but I didn’t even want to believe that it was a big deal.

I spent the day worried about the discomfort, but at least I wasn’t bleeding, right?

August 1st at 2pm

Jason picked me up, and we headed to the doctor’s office. By then, I wasn’t in as much pain as I had been that morning, so I remained hopeful.

We checked in and I started to feel excited again. 

We were about to see our little peanut! 🥹

Since it was still early in the pregnancy they did a vaginal ultrasound. I dropped my pants, as I had done many times before in that office, and waited for the ultrasound technician to get in there. And then, get in there.

I debriefed her on what I had been dealing with that morning as she took down notes. She made small talk with us as she started the ultrasound, but then she got quiet.

Like, awkwardly quiet.

Seconds passed, I’m sure. But it felt like a fucking eternity before she spoke again.

“I’m not seeing anything that would indicate a seven-week pregnancy…

This could mean a couple of things, but I’m going to grab the doctor so we can be sure.”

Jason squeezed my right hand as I wiped tears away with the left.

She brought in Dr. Fertility, and he did the ultrasound himself this time. 

The tech was right. 

There was no sign of pregnancy in my uterus.

But Wait, There’s More

Dr. Fertility asked me if I’d had any bleeding that might suggest I had miscarried. Through tears and deep breaths I told him the only bleeding I had experienced was light spotting, several weeks prior.

He told us he believed I might still be pregnant, but the pregnancy was likely ectopic. I would need to go into surgery ASAP.

If you don’t know, ectopic pregnancies are often life-threatening, and the pregnancy would not survive. 

They sent us home after several questions about my insurance, preferred hospital, last time I ate, etc. They told us they would call to tell us when to head to the hospital for the procedure.

On our way home we called our parents to let them know what was going on.

Hospitals Are No Fun

As I sat on the couch waiting for Dr. Fertility’s office to call, I was in a state of shock. I would be crying one moment and staring off into space the next. Jason would sit next to me, stand and pace, then sit back down and hug me.

We didn’t even bother turning on the TV or scrolling on our phones.

After the longest two-ish hours of my life, they called and told us to check into the hospital through the ER. When we got there, I told them my doctor called ahead of time and was expecting us.

We didn’t even get a chance to sit in the waiting room when they called us back to triage. They brought me a wheelchair and moved us from room to room before we finally made it to pre-op.

The entire time my hands were shaky and sweaty. Jason kept trying to lighten the mood and make me smile, but my mind was elsewhere.

In pre-op, I was handed a gown to change into.

A few minutes later, Dr. Fertility, an anesthesiologist, and a couple of nurses were ready to take me away.

Jason gave me a big hug and a kiss.

“Everything is gonna be okay. I’ll see you soon, baby. I love you.”

They rolled me away on a gurney as I stared up at the passing ceiling tiles and lights. I was terrified. I felt hot tears rolling out of the corners of my eyes and down to my ears.

We got to the operation room, and it was time. They asked me to count backward from 100.

100, 99, 98, 97…. *Cut to black*

Going Home

When I woke up, one of the nurses stood beside me. When she noticed I was awake, she asked how I was feeling. I might’ve answered, but I just remember immediately asking for Jason, emotional and teary-eyed.

Dr. Fertility had already gone to let him know the surgery went as expected, and I was waking up.

He was brought into the post-op room where I was still coming out of anesthesia.

The pregnancy was ectopic, as Dr. Fertility suspected. The fetus hadn’t made it to my uterus and was stuck in my right fallopian tube, which had to be removed.

Before leaving, they asked me to use the restroom. They wanted to make sure I had no issues urinating after the procedure. I did that, got dressed, and they wheeled me out while Jason drove the car up to meet me outside.

No longer pregnant and broken-hearted, it was time to go home and heal.

The hardest thing I’ve had to do on this fertility journey is heal from that day. I had to heal physically, mentally, and emotionally, all at the same time.

If you’ve experienced loss on your journey to parenthood, please know that you are not alone. It’s not easy to talk about, and you’re not expected to do so. But if you ever feel the urge to share your story, I will always listen. 🤍

I know this post was heavy, but I promise next week I’ll touch on a lighter topic. Stay up to date on all my posts by following my IG @Vees.Journey.