The First Pregnancy

Heyyyyy you! Come back for more, have you? I’m glad you returned because there’s still a long way to go. And please know that I love getting to share it with you! 😍

If you haven’t already, you’ll want to read We Want a Baby before reading this post. You know, catch up on the tea, sis!

Now, where did we leave off? Oh, yes…

It Was Positive!

Do you remember being little and opening up that one gift under the tree with exactly what you asked Santa for? Seeing the test was kinda like that, but a hell of a lot more emotional.

Hormones, am I right? 😅

No, but seriously, I squealed like a child. I might’ve blacked out for a moment. What I do know was the shaking in my hands was uncontrollable! The first words out of my mouth, you ask?

“OH MY GOD! You’re gonna be big brothers!”

(ICYMI, I’m talking to my fur babies. Peep the first blog if you haven’t already!)

I’m sure there were a lot more OMGs, but you get the gist!

Milo stared at me with the same adorably confused look in his eyes that pugs always have. 

JuJu, on the other hand, tilted his head, saw my excitement, and jumped up to put his front paws on my shoulders. He was a German Shepherd, so he was the type of dog that would match your energy no matter what.

My immediate thought after the freakout with the dogs was, “I need to call Jason NOW!”

I don’t remember how many times it rang before he answered, but regardless, it was too damn many. I didn’t know what to say, so I apologized for calling in the middle of his work day.

(It should be noted that, as millennials, there are two major reasons we might call each other instead of sending a text. One, it was an emergency. Or two, an immediate response was required. In this case, both were accurate.)

For whatever reason, I just couldn’t spit it out. Instead, I believe the words that came out of my mouth were, “I took a pregnancy test, and there are two pink lines!”

To which he responded, “Is that good? Is that positive?”

I woosah’d myself enough to finally say it. 

“Babe, I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby!” 🥹

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I can honestly say that I’ve never been so happy in my life! (At least that I can remember.) 

I had almost forgotten about my burritos until my stomach started growling. I couldn’t skip lunch, I was eating for two now! But at least they had cooled down enough to eat without me having to exhale like a maniac out of my wide-open mouth after every bite. (Pizza Rolls, anyone?)

Every day that followed, I constantly thought, “I’m gonna be a mommy. We’re gonna be the best parents. This baby is gonna be so lucky!”

It was nearly impossible not to tell every single person I came in contact with that I was pregnant. But I somehow managed to control myself, and we decided to only tell a couple of close friends before the end of the first trimester.

And then a “couple” of friends turned into a “few” friends. It’s hard to keep something so exciting to yourself. All we wanted to do was celebrate with the whole world!

One of my coworkers, a.k.a. my work mom, even made the most adorable little onesie with her Cricut. It said, “Muggle In The Making”! (Have I mentioned I luuurve Harry Potter?)

Unfortunately, the owner of the house we were renting at the time had decided to sell. We weren’t looking to buy, even though we loved that place. So, that meant that we were in the process of moving during those early weeks of our pregnancy.

Moving, issa no for me! 😒

I did not need all that stress. I did not want to pack, clean, or unpack. I mean, no one wants to do any of those things in the first place. But I was with child, dammit!

We had no choice, though. So, I was forced to pack, clean, and unpack, as expected.

On the bright side, things were moving along smoothly. We only had to move a few blocks away, which made things a lot easier!

Well, it started smoothly. That was until I started spotting…

Our First Angel Baby

{TRIGGER WARNING: For anyone sensitive to the topic of miscarriages or pregnancy loss, I will be talking about our first experience through miscarriage in this section.}

We weren’t even in our new place for a week. I went pee one day, and there it was. 

Blood. 😥

Not a lot, but it was there. On the toilet paper. Just a small spot staring back at me.

My gut told me right away something wasn’t right. I tried to convince myself otherwise but immediately called my doctor’s office. Of course, they try to make you feel like everything is fine. They tell you it’s normal to see a bit of blood at the very beginning of a pregnancy. Sure, it can be, but it will make anyone freak out!

I was told to get lots of rest, drink plenty of water, keep my feet elevated, and keep an eye on any more blood in the next day or so.

You can imagine the heartbreak when the bleeding didn’t stop. 

Even more so when I stood up from the toilet and saw a small clump of blood at the bottom of the bowl.

That’s when I knew. It was the beginning of the end of the happiest time of our lives.

My doctor brought me in for bloodwork the next morning. Jason took time off work so he could come with me.

She got the results of my bloodwork back and confirmed it. My hCG levels were dropping and were lower than they should have been at that point in the pregnancy. 

Not even seven weeks along. This meant the worst thing I could have heard come out of her mouth.

“You’re no longer pregnant.”

She was very sincere and sympathetic, but everything she said after that was a blur. She gave us some time alone in the room.

I completely broke down in Jason’s arms. He tried to stay strong for me, but I could tell he was just as heartbroken. I have no clue how long we were in that room. To be completely honest, I hardly remember the days that followed.

I don’t even remember the drive home. I must have pushed it so hard out of my mind that it made me numb.

Numb to the thought that I was once creating life, and then I just wasn’t.

Sending All My Love 💞

I may have only been about six weeks along, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the pain and grief and heartache that come with the loss of a child.

If you know the feeling of losing what could have been, I just want to remind you that you are not alone. It’s both comforting and unfortunate that there’s a whole community of women out there who have been or are going through it. 

I know how hard it can be to talk about. But you should never feel like you have to if you aren’t comfortable doing so. And you definitely don’t have to feel like you’re alone in any of this.

If and when you’re ready, I’m here to listen, to love, and to support you.